My Aging Parents

Three Things with Michelle Boyaner.

What do adult children find out about caring for older parents that they wish they knew earlier? 

That’s the question I asked Michelle Boyaner, whose acclaimed documentary It’s Not a Burden takes an intimate look at the humor, heartache, and challenges of life with older parents.

Here, in her own words, are three things Michelle wants you to know:

1. Lead with patience and kindness.

Not long ago, I listened to a recording I made of a conversation with my mother, and I heard something that made me think, “God, Michelle, you were such a bitch at times. Where was your patience? Would it have killed you to be a little kinder and softer?”

I had a complicated relationship with my mother. But if I had to do it all over again, I’d tell myself to lead with more patience and kindness. 

That sounds so simple, but it’s not always easy. Not after you drive 90 minutes in traffic to take Mom to the doctor. Not when you’re waiting another half hour because they’re running behind. And not when they take Mom’s vitals and all you’re thinking is “Hey, does anyone want to take my blood pressure right now?”

Do what you can to soften your tone when you can. There are times when kindness is a conscious choice. 

And when that well runs dry, here’s a tip for finding empathy: Pretend you’re talking to somebody else’s parent. You’ll be surprised at how this small shift can help you act with more patience and kindness in the moment.

2. Your parent is more than their age and their ailments.

Here’s another lesson I learned making It’s Not a Burden: 

We were filming in a skilled nursing facility in a hallway with rooms on both sides. On one door was an old photograph of a young woman in her early 20s and a sign: “When you enter this room, please remember this is who you are interacting with.”

When your parent needs help, the to-do list feels endless. How are we going to make their home safer? How are we going to pay for this? How do we figure this out?

It’s easy to forget your parent is more than their age and their ailments. Dad is 86 and has Parkinson’s. Mom is 82 and is a breast cancer survivor. Those may be accurate clinical descriptions. But find a way to remind yourself and others that the heart of your parent is still there. Especially if their memory or sense of reality is failing.

3. Pace yourself and get ready to pivot.

When your parent’s health or mobility starts to fail, their world gets smaller, even if they are lucky enough to still live in their own home.

Rooms can start to feel like museum exhibits. And over time, it all comes down to that recliner in the den with the tray, the TV remote, the box of Kleenex, whatever was eaten most recently there, and their meds. 

Your world gets smaller, too. The more you step up to help, the less time you have for yourself and the more frustrating your situation gets. You have to pace yourself because one day it feels like you’re sprinting and the next you’re in a marathon. And you have to keep pivoting because so many things are out of your hands. 

Which is why you need help. Connect with your local Area Agency on Aging about community resources. Find a caregiver support group so you can talk with other people who are going through it. At the very least, you need someone in your life who will listen and act as your pressure release valve. Don’t do this alone.

For More:

• ​It’s Not a Burden: The Humor and Heartache of Raising Elderly Parents (Greenie Films)
• An Area Agency on Aging is a state-sanctioned nonprofit agency that can help you get help. To find your local AAA, search online or use the national Eldercare Locator.

Thanks for caring,