My Aging Parents

You need a plan.

Mom wants to live at home. 

So you make home modifications that make it easier for her to stay safe and easier for you to sleep at night.

When she stops driving, you set up on-demand services for transportation and groceries. And when she needs more help with everyday tasks, you find an aide who can visit a few times a week. 

It’s not perfect, but it works. Mom’s okay. You’re okay. 

Well done! That’s a big win. 

Now what’s your plan if Mom can’t live at home anymore?

Don’t have one? You’re not alone. Many families don’t want to consider that possibility.

But that’s wishful thinking. Because things change.

It could be a bad fall. A broken hip. A health condition that affects mobility. Or cognitive impairment and confusion. 

It doesn’t take much to shift the delicate balance between safety and independence — especially if Mom or Dad lives alone.

May the day never come when it’s no longer safe for Mom or Dad to live at home. But if it does, you need a working plan for what happens next.

Here are a few steps to help you get started:

Do Your Homework

There’s no way around it. At some point, you’ll need to talk with Mom about what she wants to do if she can’t live at home anymore. 

But first, you need to do a little homework. Because your parent’s financial, physical, and cognitive health plays a huge role in determining their options for senior housing and long-term care.

What do you know about your parent’s finances? Is there an estate plan? Are they on Medicare or Medicaid? Is there long-term care insurance? Is Mom or Dad entitled to VA benefits?

Does your parent have a plan to close any financial gaps? Or are you your parent’s long-term care plan?

How is Dad’s health? Is he having trouble taking care of himself? How is his hearing? His vision? Are there any emerging conditions that make you concerned about his mobility or memory? 

The level of support Dad needs and is likely to need matters. For example, assisted living communities may make sense if Dad can still live independently with some help. But if he needs skilled nursing or memory care, that option isn’t on the menu. 

Learn about Mom’s options. You may know about traditional assisted living communities and nursing homes. But be aware of newer and less-known alternatives:

​Continuing care retirement communities are a relatively new premium care model that allows residents to stay in the same community as their needs change from independent to assisted living to skilled nursing care.

​Residential care homes offer a smaller group home vibe, often without all the amenities, organized activities, and expense of larger facilities.

And if you’re thinking about having Mom move into the spare bedroom, consider an accessory dwelling unit (ADU). Mom gets independence and support as needed. You get more peace of mind. And separate living spaces give everyone more breathing room and privacy.

For More:

• ​11 Signs It Might Be Time for Assisted Living​
• ​What Is a Long-Term Care Facility? 8 Types and Costs​
• ​Calculate the Cost of Long-Term Care Near You

Start a Conversation

The best time to start talking with your parent about “what if” is before there’s a crisis, when both of you have an opportunity to take a more positive, collaborative approach and make informed decisions. 

It’s a lot easier than scrambling to help Dad make high-stakes, last-minute decisions from his hospital bed. And it’s a lot less stressful than finding out the place he really likes has a 9-month waiting list.

Which is all the more reason to start a conversation about Dad’s wishes and desires now. But tread carefully. It’s easy to get derailed if you aren’t prepared. These talking tips can help:

Expect strong emotions. Having this conversation can feel awkward, at best. An abundance of compassion is essential for your parent and for yourself.

For Mom, this conversation isn’t just about planning. It’s about independence and control. It’s about change and loss.

You’ll feel that sense of loss, too. It’s also common to feel guilt for bringing this topic up in the first place, even when you know it’s the responsible thing to do. 

Take a collaborative approach that includes Mom and respects her agency. An easy way to do this is with open-ended questions that ask for her thoughts, wishes, and preferences. 

Consider these conversation starters:

• How is living at home working for you?
• Where do you want to live if you need more help?
• Who do you want to support you as you get older, and how?

Be patient. Don’t interrupt, argue, or debate. Your job is to listen and to show Mom you are listening by acknowledging and validating her feelings.

If Mom or Dad gets upset or refuses to talk about your concerns, back off and try again later. These conversations take time — often many months — which is another reason to start sooner than later. You want to be your parent’s advocate, not their adversary.

For More:

• ​How to Start Conversations That Connect
• ​How to Talk to Your Parent About Assisted Living​
• ​Overcome the Guilt of Moving a Parent to Senior Living​

Get Help

Feeling a little overwhelmed by all this? Again, perfectly normal. But don’t let that feeling discourage you from starting. This isn’t a can you want to keep kicking down the road. 

Here are some resources that can help:

Your Area Agency on Aging may be able to connect you with resources for guidance on local housing and care options. 

Employee Assistance Programs are another source for referrals and support.

​Elder law attorneys specialize in legal issues affecting older adults. Some specialize in care planning and can provide guidance on long-term care. 

Senior placement referral services offer guidance, assessments, and recommendations. Be aware: these services are usually free because they receive referral fees for placements. Well-known national players include A Place for Mom, Caring, and CarePatrol.

​Aging Life Care Professionals (also known as geriatric care managers) are often licensed nurses or social workers. These pros are the gold standard for independent fee-based advice, evaluations, advocacy, and care management. Be aware: There’s a premium for the gold standard — and you’ll be paying it out of pocket.

For More:

• ​Geriatric Care Managers Advocate for Older Adults — and Their Caregivers

Thanks for caring,